A Tumblr Crackfic Epic AU - A Study in Tentacle Monsters
The Shire is a peaceful place.
Now, this is due to the fact that Hobbits are generally a peaceful sort of folk who believe in good food, good pipeweed and in things that grow. Adventures and all sorts of interesting things (read: dangerous) do not happen in the Shire and most of its folk generally agree that they prefer it that way. Most everything in the Shire has its place - Hobbits have their hobbit-holes and cottages, crops grow in the fields, trees in the woods and fish in the rivers and streams.
And yes, that is a dragon living at Bag End and he most definitely has his place and home there, as much as the Baggins who lived in this particular, comfortable hobbit hole.
Now how Sherlock Smaug the Dragon came to live in Bag End is a story that has been told elsewhere and of course, there is the popular version of the tale where the Dragon firmly remained the unrepentant villain of Bilbo Baggins’ Great Adventure and was eventually brought down by the arrow of a Proper Roguish Hero. Sherlock is not particularly interested in setting things to rights. While he does not like to admit this, he rather likes the Shire and would prefer to live his days enthralled by his Hobbit housemate and the mysteries that seem to crop up in their wake, rather than deal with intrepid would-be Dragon-Slayers.
And then, there was the Thursday where they had to deal with a Tentacle Monster in the Brandywine River. Poor Bilbo could never get the hang of Thursdays.
As always, this story started with young Harry and Greg, Bilbo and Sherlock’s favorite Dragon-Minders. The boys were trying out their dragon-costumes, made by their loving and indulgent mother, for Samhain. Sherlock didn’t have the heart to tell the boys that they both looked more like dinosaurs than dragons but as dinosaurs were, in fact, distant cousins to dragons, Sherlock supposed that it would do.
As the boys were accompanied by Sherlock and Bilbo, they fully intended to be “Water Dragons” in the Brandywine River.
The boys just did not expect to find a Tentacle Monster in the Brandywine.
Quick-thinking as ever, Bilbo grabbed both boys before they became a Tentacle Monster’s snack, while Sherlock roared and prepared to turn said Tentacle Monster into fried calamari.
“OI! Is that any way to treat someone who’s gone and got themselves just a bit lost?” the Tentacle Monster said crossly. “Isn’t my fault I got told by that rabbit to turn left at Albuquerque - should’ve known better to trust Glowing Bunnies…”
“One ought never to trust Glowing Bunnies,” said Sherlock, recovering from his considerable surprise. “Especially if they’re named Bluebell.”
“Cor, how’d you know, mate? That’s the blighter’s name!”
“The Rabbit’s reputation precedes him,” Sherlock said dryly.
“I know I’m going to regret asking this,” Bilbo said faintly. “But if you’re not going to try and eat respectable hobbits and hobbitlings, would you kindly introduce yourself?”
The Tentacle Monster introduced herself as Phredd.
Bilbo, being a typical Shire Hobbit, invited her to tea.
Harry and Greg were utterly enchanted.
It turned out that Phredd was actually looking for a place that needed to be inhabited by a Monster or Eldritch Abomination.
“I always thought we added a bit of color to a place,” Phredd said, daintily nibbling on a scone that had a bit of Sherlock’s carefully hoarded lavender honey. The Tentacle Monster, thankfully, understood what a great honor it was that a Great Dragon condescended to share something out of his Hoard with her and was suitably grateful. “I mean, it would be terribly boring if you went on an adventure and saw all these wonderful sights like mountains and caves and deep lakes and rivers and no monster!”
“One would get bored of staring at nothing but flowers and communing with trees all day, I imagine,” Sherlock returned. “Unless one happens to be an Elf.”
“Well that would be why King Thranduil and the Elves of Mirkwood have their monthly spider-hunts,” Bilbo pointed out sensibly. Sherlock was not overly fond of Elves and Bilbo enjoyed their company. It was often a point of contention between them. “Elves are capable of doing things other than sing under starlight and talk to trees.”
“I prefer Hobbits as you very well know,” Sherlock said airily. “You are perfectly capable of utilizing the wits Eru gave you in a far more sensible fashion than Elves.” He most decidedly did not purr when Bilbo gently rubbed his side at the compliment.
“Can Phredd live with us in the Brandywine River?” Harry said hopefully.
“Oh dear,” Bilbo sighed.
Phredd sighed as well, tentacles waving in the air and deftly snagging a bit of popcorn from Greg. “It would be lovely…. but the Shire has already got its dragon. Only one monster to a customer, I say!”
Bilbo frowned thoughtfully. “Well, there is that lake near the Mines of Moria… I’d be happy to give you a reference to my friend Balin, if you like.”
Sherlock stared at him. “That’s absolutely brilliant! You are a conductor of light indeed, John Bilbo Watson Baggins!”
Bilbo beamed at him. “I do try.”
While the boys were saddened to see that Phredd would soon be moving to Moria, it would be a good month or two before the Tentacle Monster could actually take her leave of the Shire. Therefore, Phredd would have plenty of practice making lives interesting for the Shirefolk…. who were all collectively agog at this newest guest of “Mad Baggins’.”
The boys eventually decided that they would be Dragon-Tentacle Monster spawn for Samhain.
Their long-suffering mama was eventually won over when Phredd provided her with some rather delicious fish to cook for dinner.
When the Tentacle Monster finally moved to the Great Lake near Moria, she was utterly content to be the place’s Resident Eldritch Abomination. Eventually, Phredd would finally get the hang of this Monster Business…
Note the First: Random-Nexus a.k.a. Tentacle Monster - this is for you, bb!
Note the Second: Happy Advanced (and Cracked!) Halloween to sabrina-phynn, her two boys and to everyone on Tumblr. XD
Note the Third: The two orange dinosaurs in the photo are mine. I’ve decided to name them Mycroft and Greg. :P
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