Mummy’s Wedding List - The “Engagement Photograph”
It goes without saying that both Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are ridiculously good-looking men and the world (most especially the denizens of the Internet) are all thankful that they’re both photogenic into the bargain.
Well, John might blush and demur, because he thinks he’s about “passable” in the looks department and yeah, he knows how to talk to people. Certain Consulting Detectives will scoff and would call this a “fine display of false modesty” because Certain Army Doctors know perfectly well why they were nicknamed “Three Continents Watson” by their mates.
"All you need to do is smile and they fall at your feet like a ton of bricks!” Certain Consulting Detectives would say with a huff.
And of course, Certain Army Doctors turn That Smile towards Certain Consulting Detectives, with an extra added gleam of mischief in dark blue eyes. “Sounds like you’re speaking from experience there, love.”
And thus, Certain Consulting Detectives are coaxed from pouting by what was meant to be a quick kiss but turn quickly into a rather interesting bit of snogging…. that is, until their attention gets called by the highly amused photographer taking their “engagement picture.”
And thus, witness the photo above. At this point, Sherlock is trying to look like he hasn’t been snogged thoroughly a scant five minutes before but the mischievous expression on John’s face utterly gives the game away. Mummy, however, is rather pleased with the end results.
But wait, you say. Surely Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson have better things to do (like investigate crime, so says Certain Foxy Detective Inspectors…) than to get all tangled up in planning a full-scale wedding with all the trimmings and ridiculousness that goes with it? And Mummy is helping? Has the universe cracked while you were not looking?
All right - so this is what really happened.
After popping The Question and presenting a delighted John with an engagement hedgehog (promptly christened Martin by a Certain Giggling Army Doctor), Sherlock William Noel Siegfried Holmes and John Hamish Watson made plans to simply have the civil partnership papers drawn up as soon as John was released from the hospital.
Surprisingly, the entire process was done efficiently and without the assistance of Certain Meddling Older Brothers. Somebody at the Civil Registry Office was delighted to help with the Holmes-Watson nuptials, mainly because they owed a deep debt to Sherlock and John, for helping them out during a case.
Sherlock and John were essentially “married,” as far as current United Kingdom laws allowed them to, quietly, with Mrs. Hudson and Detective Inspector Lestrade as witnesses.
And then, Mummy found out.
At this point, “hilarity ensued” and “all hell broke loose” would be poor phrases to describe what happened next.
It is a known fact that the Holmes men all know better than to upset Genevieve Louise Violette d’Eon de Beaumont Holmes a.k.a. “Mummy.” Siger Holmes shrugged, patted his youngest son on the shoulder and said, “My boy, you’re the first one in the family to marry and you’re still her baby, to boot. Honestly, you should have known better.”
Mycroft was no help either - in fact, he was glorying in the fact that he, for once, was Not in Trouble. His only remark was, “You are very fortunate, little brother, that Mummy is very fond of John.”
(This is true. Sherlock had taken an incredibly nervous John Hamish Watson to meet his mother and yes, said meeting took place at the rather unbelievably grand family home. Also, John found out about the family titles from both sides which threw him for a loop and he, like Sherlock and Mycroft, have chosen what they call the “Sane Option” of “Thou Shalt Not Discuss.”
Amazingly, Holmes Père was actually present during this occasion, though he’d been muttering about “bloody Yanks and their bloody inability to keep their noses out of sodding ancient sacred artifacts that could melt one’s face off….”
Both Holmes parents were charmed by their youngest son’s boyfriend. Mummy doted on him the minute he turned that irresistible shy smile in her direction and Siger was delighted to find out that John was ethnically Scottish.
This is a major sore point of contention between the Holmes family members who had not one whit of Scots blood in them and the main branch of the family that were descendants from a union between one of the Heads of the Family and a Scottish lady centuries ago. Inevitably, there were more marriages with people of decidedly Scottish origin, which may account for the odd ginger or two appearing in the Family every now and then.
This is apparent in the occasional reddish highlights that appear in Sherlock’s curls. But we’re digressing and we better get a move on with this story.)
Sherlock’s response to his brother’s refusal to help was a few choice phrases in which it was patently obvious that he’d picked up John’s penchant for swearing creatively and incredibly well. “F.M.L.” was the least of the litanies he’d be muttering under his breath for the next few weeks.
Mummy was not going to take this lying down. One would think, as Certain Silly Consulting Detectives would say, that Mummy was too busy preventing Britain and the rest of the world from potential catastrophes to plan a wedding.
Mummy had simply given Sherlock a chilly glance and responded, “Darling, I have Mycroft for that now and the new Double-O Seven is not completely a testosterone fueled clod. I have all the time in the world to plan my little Duckling’s wedding!”
Yes, Dear Readers, Mummy wanted them to get married again. With all due ceremony and a grand reception and cake and trimmings and…. well, it would be perfectly elegant and tasteful, mind you - but you all get the idea.
John honestly thought it was hilarious at first but he knew better than to laugh at his poor, harried new husband. Also, he knew better than to contradict anyone’s Mummy. He’d lost his own mother just shortly after he turned 13 and he still missed her to this day. He remembered her as a sweet and gentle woman but she had a core of pure, solid steel. Imagining her and Mummy Holmes in cahoots together, planning this wedding, well… his reaction was a rather audible, “Oh, God, no.”
Which brings us, of course, to the first item on Mummy’s Wedding List - getting the engagement photographs taken.
"That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! We’re already married, for God’s sake!” Sherlock exploded.
"Try explaining that to Mummy, little brother," Mycroft said placidly.
"Oh God." This from both Sherlock and John.
Honestly, it took some doing and of course, the Boys of Baker Street were not about to suddenly put on some ridiculous fashion show for the sake of engagement pictures. Well, Sherlock had The Coat and his impeccable Spencer Hart Suits but John was a doctor and an ex-soldier and was not exactly known to dress to the nines for anything other than dates or job interviews.
And that realization set Mummy off on another tangent - getting the boys fitted for their wedding clothes (morning suits for both of them) - and outfitting John with a whole new wardrobe.
At this point, John is not sure if he and Sherlock will survive to see their second wedding day.
We’ll have to see what happens next, won’t we?
Note the First: No, Siger wasn’t making an Indiana Jones reference - nope nope nope. *koffkoffkoffitykoffkoff*
Note the Second: God, I’m going to have to continue the rest of the Holmes-Watson Wedding Shenanigans, aren’t I?
PICTURE SOURCE: Cumberbatchweb